Exposure

My journey has been about a lot more than finding ways to expose my art to the world.
It’s been a long journey about avoiding exposure.
Avoidance of exposing my rawest self.

I remember my first art show. In the back corner of the Nalanda Campus while I was still attending Naropa.
Seeing all my deepest pain, hung on the walls, for anyone who decided to show up that night to see.
My parents, my closest friends, my therapist and her family, the love of my life (at the time) and his parents, my peers, and some strangers I suppose ended up being the only ones to see.

But that’s the moment. Are these people going to leave me after this?
The reports were glowing in awe, but the feeling is so unsettling.
Are they just being nice? And they really hate it?

Or even worse, do they not care? Do they not understand?

The amount that fear can blend in with a moment that is magnificent, is almost disheartening.

While creating this website, I reflected back to a more recent moment.
I had just moved into my little cabin, boxes and paintings scattered everywhere.
A dear friend came over to visit and she was moving through my paintings. Until she got pulled into one.
She stopped.
She stopped and really looked at it. She began to tear up. She looked at me with a sorrow in her eyes that maybe hasn’t been touched in a while.

And I’m forever reminded from that moment on, that this is why I need to share my art.
This is why I need to fearlessly give in to being exposed.
Because art speaks to people, it whispers a voiceless message of something they need to hear, to be reminded of. It touches a corner of their heart that may have been forgotten. Dusts off pieces of themselves that have not been tended to recently. It helps them realize their fullest selves.
In all, of course, ineffable ways.
And you’ll never know which painting it will be that will whisper these sweet expressions.

I look back at all the times, art has been shared with me. The grace of being able to witness another human at their rawest and most magickal. What an honor that is. Such a blessing. This is your soul and I get to witness it?! And it takes great courage to be able to walk through this world exposed, naked down to the soul. But then again, is there a better way to feel more fully alive?

To Love is to Understand. To understand is to see clearly, fully. And to be seen is to expose oneself.
I’ve realized my greatest desires to be seen, understood, and loved only come to fruition when I am fully
allowing myself to be exposed.

And building this website has been so nerve racking. Half the days I didn’t even want to work on it because I felt like this all was so stupid and no one would want to look at my art anyways. But here I am, quieting those thoughts with the soothing words of, “I hear you, I see you, and…. I’m going to do this anyways.”
And so I thank you, for witnessing me.